Tom Hanks is Clearly Getting Inferior Children’s Blood from Hillary Clinton’s Cannibal Pizza Basement

Tom deserves the highest quality kid blood

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

Now that we’ve been exposed to the Wayfair child trafficking cannibal sex cabal of 2020, the scales have been lifted from our eyes. No industrial Scandinavian-style cupboard will ever go unobserved.

The takeaway, as we all know, is that Paul Rudd is clearly getting better quality baby blood than Tom Hanks. What we need to know now is: who is in charge of kid blood allocation? (My guess is Madonna.) That’s who we need to raise our collective voices against.

Tom Hanks deserves the highest quality kid blood. No question about it. The entire body of Paul Rudd’s contribution to the cinematic arts doesn’t hold a candle to Tom Hanks’ starring role in the 1989 film The Burbs.

Now listen, it’s no surprise each batch of kid blood would yield different age defying benefits. Children are different from one to the next, and mass trafficking children is a challenging business proposal. The healthy ones aren’t just sitting around, looking for vans full of candy. Consider the logistics of trafficking a whole country full of children every single year. Chief among them — how to smother millions of missing children’s reports. Just, whoa. We know damned well millions of…